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    2/17/2009

    What pets do when you aren't at home

     
     
    Wonder what your pets are doing while you're not at home?
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     And sometimes they follow you  to work!

     


     Sorry I haven't been around much. Just a difficult time for me right now. But I think of you all often. I will be around again soon.
     
    Today's Quote

    It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.


    -Robert Service

    1/1/2009

    New Year

    new year 2

    OMG WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?

    Just kidding, not. I had a wonderful night but I did feel a bit like the picture.

    12/3/2008

    I Quit!!!

     

    I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

    I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

    I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

    I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

    I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

    I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn´t bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

    I want to think the world is fair AGAIN !!!

    That everyone is honest and good.. AGAIN

    I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things.

    I want to live simple again.

    I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

    I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

    So . . . here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my BANK statements.

    I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you´ll have to catch me first, cause......."

     

    I thought I might get your attention <<grin>>  Thanks to Danielle because I never would have remembered this post. Seemed perfect for the day.

    11/19/2008

    Cute puppies

    Everyone ready to say AAAWWWW

    1
    Nothing like a full belly


    2
    Guess that fake ID really works!!! Party time!


    3
    Are you serious!?!


    4
    Gggggrrrrrrrrr! I sooo mean!


    5
    What part of this face do you not understand!? !


    6
    And a Happy Birthday to ME!!!


    7
    Guess Ill just go eat worms


    8
    Wojk akjdow alkoiehnaf slkjfow!!!!!


    9
    WHAT!?! ; ;But it was like this when I got here!!!


    10
    Just kill me now


    11
    As Fifi sports the latest in wristband fashion!


    12
    Ill show him where he can stick that thermometer! !!


    13
    Dont hate me because I'm beautiful


    14
    Need I really say more


    15
    Nuff said!!!


    16
    Ummm whats wrong with this picture!?!

    17
    She'll never find me in here!!!

    18
    Take a good look at this face and then tell me no !


    19
    He started it!


    20
    Wheres Waldo?


    21
    Am I cute or am I cute


     22
    What's wrong with this picture!?!


    23
    Panda-dog


    24
    Either future McDs mascots or the next When Animals Attack video


    25
    Woe is me


    26
    Beauty and the Beast


    27
    Nothing like a lil frolic thru the meadow

    11/14/2008

    Can of worms



     
     
     

    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
    The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
    The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
    The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
    The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
    The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
    Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
    Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

    So ! the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

    A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,  
    "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

    Don't you just love little old ladies.
    11/3/2008

    Maxine and Politics

     
     
     
     
    Maxine
    boobs_-_maxine
     
    Such Wisdom
     
    10/14/2008

    10 Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

     

    '1'
    Blaming your farts on me.....
    not funny... not funny at all !!!

    1
    ---------------------------------------

    '2'
    Yelling at me for barking.

    I'M A FRICGIN' DOG!!!

    2
    ---------------------------------------

    '3'
    Taking me for a walk, then
    not letting me check stuff out.
    Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

    3
    ---------------------------------------

    '4'

    Any trick that involves balancing

    food on my nose. Stop it!

    4
    ---------------------------------------

    '5'

    Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.

    Now you know why we chew your stuff

    up when you're not home!

    5
    --------------------------------------------------

    '6'

    The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.

    You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo, what

    a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

    6
    ---------------------------------------

    '7'
    Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip',
    then acting surprised when I freak
    out every time we go back!

    7
    ---------------------------------------

    '8'

    Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.

    Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

    8
    ---------------------------------------

    '9'

    Dog sweaters.  Hello???

    Haven't you noticed the fur?


    ---------------------------------------

    '10'

    How you act disgusted when I lick myself.

    Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

    10
    ---------------------------------------

    Now lay off me on some of these things.

    We both know who's boss here!

    You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

     

    Ok who sent me this? Thank you it is very funny and very true. 

    10/7/2008

    What mom taught us

    Me at age 5. Yes there are missing teeth and big ears.
     
     
     
     
    My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

    My mother taught me RELIGION:
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
    "If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

    My mother taught me LOGIC:
    "Because I said so, that's why."

    My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    My mother taught me IRONY:
    "Keep crying and Ill give you something to cry about."

    My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

    My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
    "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

    My mother taught me about STAMINA:
    "You'll sit there til all that spinach is finished."

    My mother taught me about WEATHER:
    "It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room."

    My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
    "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

    My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
    "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!"

    My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    My mother taught me about ENVY:
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
     
    Thanks Mom, Love You!
    10/5/2008

    Stop the conspiracy

    THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY

     

    We Must Stop This Immediately!

    Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

    And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

    I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much

    older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

    I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection......... Well, REALLY NOW-

    even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

    Another thing, everyone drives so

    fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

    Clothing manufacturers are

    less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

    The people who make

    bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

    I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

    All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.


    PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!


    PS: I am printing in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.

    I have not been around the last few days. You may ask, so what were you doing? One word, PAIN. The knee is still swollen and I am sleep deprived. Friday was the only night I have slept through the night. Last night someone called me, had the wrong number at 1:30am. smile_baringteeth So I have been a bit of a..., how do you say it here? Bi*** I made the trip to the ER on Thursday. Without insurance I knew they would see me there. So I went, to the smallest hospital around, prepared for hours wait. No one there. I was in and out in 30 minutes. Record time I suppose. And they didn't even charge me. I probably have a torn meniscuses but if so, it is minor and would not require surgery. They basically said keep doing what I was doing but stay off it more. So how exactly do you do that? I live alone. Someone has to walk the dog and I do have to eat and drink. I was sent a gift to help, crutches. This has lessened the pressure on my leg, which is strained in the calf and hip now, but darn those things hurt in a whole other way.

    I went on a job interview on Wednesday. When I arrived I met with the owner of the company. It turned out it was the same guy who recruited me last year for a different company. I was surprised to see him but he was not surprised to see me. He was surprised that I followed through with what he recommended and tested for my state license. He was thrilled. I went back on Friday for the second interview with the "mentor". We had a delightful conversation and I enjoyed meeting her so much. I was there in the office for over an hour and felt really at home there. Friday I was at peak pain level and at times near tears if I had to walk. Well regardless, they offered, I accepted. I stipulated I could not start until my knee was better. They understood and so they are sending work over that I can do at home next week. I have to complete CE classes online by Monday. I have 8 hours to complete today. This job takes me out of my comfort zone but it is a chance I have to take. But if there ever was a time and company to take a chance, this is it for me.

    So as I jump off this cliff, let's see if I can fly.  image

     

    Well I need to get the classes done.  I have looked in on some of you the past few days but not feeling well enough to comment. I hope you understand. When I complete my class work I hope to visit you all and leave comments. If not today then Monday as the job won't send anything over until early in the week. Hope this finds you all well. Enjoy your Sunday.

    8/22/2008

    Big sorry for offending anyone

    I never meant to
     
    7/24/2008

    14 best fountains

    ATT00019

     

    14 - ABU DHABI

    ATT00022

    13-LAS VEGAS

    ATT00025

    12 - MIRAGE LAS VEGAS

    ATT00028

    11-DUBAI

    ATT00031

    10-DUBAI

    ATT00034

    9-MOSCOW

    ATT00037

    8-MOSCOW

    ATT00040

    7-MOSCOW

    ATT00043

    6-KIEV

    ATT00046

    5-ST-PETERSBURG

    ATT00049

    4-GENEVA

    ATT00052

    3-BARCELONA

    ATT00055

    2-TIVOLI

     

    And the number one is  Nailbiting

     

     

     

     

     

    ATT00058

    1- ALABAMA

     

     

    Happy Friday ya'all...

    7/22/2008

    What a dog can teach you about life

    LIFE....

    If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

    When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.




    Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

    Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

     

     


    When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.



    Let others know when they've invaded your territory.



    Take naps.

    Stretch before rising.

     

     


    Run, romp, and play daily.



    Thrive on attention and let people touch you.



    Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.



    On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.



    On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.



    When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.



    No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.



    Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.



    Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.



    Be Loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.



    If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.



    When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.



    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming WOW What a Ride!

    7/18/2008

    Gary Patterson

    Dear Spacee Friends 
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
       
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
      
     
    Gary Patterson is one of my favorites! You may notice that in every comic he does there is a mouse somewhere. Can you find them?
     
     
     
    5/1/2008

    Sleep

    Have you ever been this tired? 
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    12/12/2007

    True Love?

    THE LOVE STORY OF JIM AND EDNA

    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.


    Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

    When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. "How soon can I go home?"

     

    HumourLaughingKitten

    11/3/2007

    What pets do when you aren't at home

     
     
    Wonder what your pets are doing while you're not at home?
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     And sometimes they follow you  to work!

     


     
     
    Today's Quote

    It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.


    -Robert Service

    10/31/2007

    Cat's revenge

    Dear Dog,



    I am soooo sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish tank you did not spill over; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint...


    But things here at the house really are calmer now, and just to show you that there are no hard feelings between us, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.






    Best regards,

    The Cat

     

    PS Thanks for the bath

    10/19/2007

    Instruction on how to clean a toilet

    1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

    2. Pick up the cat and soothe him
    while you carry him towards the bathroom.

    3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

    4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse".

    6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

    8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

    9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

    Sincerely,
    The Dog

     

     

    I could never be so cruel- but it was funny.

    10/13/2007

    If Dogs Could Talk...

    If Dogs Could Talk...
       
    Try to understand this:  You see, my FUR keeps me warm. Your sweaters only serve to insult me.
    If the choice is between prison and playing dress up with you, I choose prison.
    Though I have provided all the evidence in the world, perhaps I should take this time to state a certain fact explicitly:  I am a DOG.  I am NOT a CHILD.
    Please remind me why I'm supposed to love you.
    I give you everything I have to give and you still wish I were a Dalmatian.
    I wish your husband had taken me with him when he left.
    If I had hands I'd strangle you.
    I suppose it could have been worse.  You could've put me in a hair net so I'd look exactly like you do in the mornings.  Oh... wait... you did.
    What is wrong with you.  Seriously.  Did you not get enough love as a child?  Is your world so completely devoid of meaning that you think dressing me as a flower is a form of care taking?  I hope the house gets burgled tonight.   And when it does, you know what?   I'm not even going to bark, because FLOWERS can't bark!
    Oy vey. If only Moses would have left in that 11th Commandment:  "Thou shall not desecrate one's pet."
    I wonder how many of these I have to slip into her water to end the torment.
    Very cute.  You come up with that yourself?
    Look, I'm barely a dog.  I have enough identity issues without you dressing me up as a cheetah.   And in case you haven't noticed, I'm not Tarzan.
    You are doing your best to ruin what self-esteem I have left.
    And I thought the bunny suit was bad... What am I now?  A Dogglebee?  A Dogfly?  Please stop. Please.  I beg you.
    12/22/2006

    Letter from Santa

    A new contract for Santa
    has finally been negotiated.

    Please read the following carefully...
    I regret to inform you that,
    effective immediately,
    I will no longer be able to serve
    the Southern United States
    on Christmas Eve.

    Due to the overwhelming current population
    of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
    by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
    I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
    Wisconsin and Michigan.

    As part of the new and better contract
    I also get longer breaks
    for milk and cookies....

    However,
    I'm certain that your children
    will be in good hands
    with your local replacement
    (who happens to be my third cousin),
    Bubba Claus.
    His side of the family
    is from the South Pole.
    He shares my goal
    of delivering toys
    to all the good boys and girls;
    however,
    there are a few differences between us...

    1. There is no danger of a Grinch
    stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
    He has a gun rack on his sleigh
    and bumper sticker that reads:

    "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

    2. Instead of milk and cookies,
    Bubba Claus prefers
    that children leave
    an RC cola and pork rinds
    [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
    And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe.
    He dips a little snuff though,
    so please have an
    empty spit can handy.

    3. Bubba Claus' sleigh
    is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
    instead of reindeer.
    I made the mistake
    of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
    and Blitzen's head now
    overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

    4. You won't hear
    "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..."
    when Bubba Claus arrives.
    Instead, you'll hear,
    "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
    on Martin and
    Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett,
    on Elliott and Petty."

    5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced
    by "Yee Haw!"
    And you also are likely to hear
    Bubba's elves respond,
    "I her'd dat!"

    6. As required
    by Southern highway laws,
    Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam
    safety triangle on the back
    with the words
    "Back Off!"

    The last I heard
    it also had other decorations
    on the sleigh back as well.
    One is Ford or Chevy logo
    with lights that race through the letters
    and the other is
    a caricature of me (Santa Claus)
    going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

    7. The usual Christmas movie classics
    such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
    and "It's a Wonderful Life"
    will not be shown
    in your negotiated viewing area.
    Instead, you'll see
    "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
    and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
    featuring Burt Reynolds
    as Bubba Claus and
    dozens of state patrol cars
    crashing into each other.

    8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt.
    If I were you,
    I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids
    turn the other way
    when he bends over to put
    presents under the tree.

    9. And finally,
    lovely Christmas songs
    That have been sung about me
    like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer"
    and Bing Crosby's
    "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."
    This year songs about Bubba Claus
    will be played on all
    the AM radio stations in the South.
    Those song titles will be:
    Mark Chesnutt's
    "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,"
    Cledus T. Judd's
    "All I Want for Christmas
    Is My Woman and a Six Pack,"
    and Hank Williams Jr.'s
    "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus,
    You Can Shove It."


    Sincerely Yours,
    Santa Claus
    North American Fairies and Elves
    Local 209.